Sharing #15

18And therefore will the LORD wait, that he may be gracious unto you, and therefore will he be exalted, that he may have mercy upon you: for the LORD is a God of judgment: blessed are all they that wait for him. (Isaiah 30:18)

This verse speaks volumes to me. God waits to be gracious. He wishes to judge so that He can bless. For light is both judgment and blessing. It reveals the darkness and displays God’s glory. His glory is our blessedness. If we cannot receive His judgments upon our wickedness and be purified, can we receive His blessing? They come hand in hand, they cannot be without the other. His holiness is blessing and destroys all that is not holy like a consuming fire.

This weekend has been difficult for me but for good reason. I asked the Lord after reading Psalm 51 one morning before the weekend. “Since You love a contrite and broken heart, a broken spirit, let me offer that to You. Let me not hinder You at all. I long to see You. This will be my sacrifice to You for this pleases You.”

He answered on Saturday. I did not quite expected it. Looking back, I was able to offer it to Him as a pleasing sacrifice. Can my joy be greater than that? To please God! I cannot help but say, even this, He has done it Himself.

On that day, there were many points or moments where I could have denied the Lord’s faithfulness or compromised who He was due to the circumstances I was in. My father tempted me and slandered me and eventually slandered His Name.

Yet, he also spoke truth. I did not share with my father the things that went on in my life. I did not treat him like a father I love at all. My lack of love. Alas!

My father was right in being angry. God was right in being angry. I did not consult them and made my actions independently, without prayer or consultation! I deserve what was happening to me!

It took a while for me to see that God was speaking through my unregenerate father. It astounded me initially and made my heart skip. God was speaking. He was convicting me of sin. He was showing me that my relationship with my father was terrible. I was not able to answer his questions. I was helpless. I could not explain my own actions. I deserved my punishment. And what audacity did I have! I still denied and had trouble confessing my sins to my father until the very end. I had no excuse for my actions except that I have sinned against my earthly father, yet why was my natural tendency to try and hide? This caused me deep sorrow over my sinful nature. I could not withhold my tears. Will God still remain faithful? I have caused so much harm, not only to this already broken family but also to myself.

Will God remain faithful? My dad started to blame my helpless and gloomy future on my “craziness over religion.” No, I could not allow him to question God’s faithfulness. Though I may die or fail, God is always good. This I know. I simply know. I could only declare that I trust in Him but I had no power to defend God. Only God can defend Himself from such slander and distrust in His existence.

I had no power to declare that I can make things right. I had no power to declare that my future will be okay. No guarantees. No, if God so chooses, He can throw me among the wolves and He would still be just and His love would still enable me to love Him. His love would still be unfailing. For my life is already with Him.

When I came home that night, no self-pity was allowed to enter my soul when I bowed before Him. It shocked me, the sinful side of me to see that there is a new stronghold in my heart. The Lord’s stronghold. I felt an incomprehensible shield around my spirit and my heart. Though my body was shaking and I was weeping, my inner man seized control and spread its peace toward my physical frame. Only bitterness and sorrow over the sins revealed to me by my conversation with my dad came over me. Only what grieved Him, grieved me. What does it matter if I was disowned or if I suffered even physical harm or poverty? What does having a good job or stable future matter to me? Only God matters and His grace is more than enough even in my weakness and helplessness.

But, what about my father? I have grace, and what does he have? Oh, to pray for salvation for him and all those around me! To have that heart of love, that heart that desires Jesus to save them from their sins! Alas, I am lacking in this and I can do utterly nothing to improve upon it. It is only something that God can graciously grant. It is only something that God can do. I can only wait upon Him.

God, how gracious You are! Though I am in sorrow and my heart be broken, Your Spirit protects me and gives me peace to declare Your righteousness and Your faithfulness, even to those who slander me. You who live in me, why should I fear the storm and those who seek to harm me? No, I of little faith, let me give You praise evermore.

All wrongdoing and sin are mine, my father spoke truth when he pointed out my failures and my laziness. However, all faithfulness and wisdom and all goodness are Yours. My love for You shall not come from success or failure. You have used them to test me.

How You spoke so much and brought so much comfort and delight to my soul, more and more! How You are answering my prayers and how I love it when You show me Your ways! How You are showing me, showing my enemies that You will never let the upright fall, not when those around me dare to slander Your Name and test Your faithfulness to those You love!

Yes, indeed, You have shown me that today. Your salvation comes swiftly to me. May You show my father that You are God. Let it be so! Let Your Name be glorified in front of my father, so much that he cannot deny You are God and I am but a sinner saved by grace alone, a failure who can do nothing, who deserve all the wrath and all the fires of Hell for all eternity, used by You for Your glory. Shame those who boast in their own strength! Bring them low! Show them that only You deserve all the glory.

I see a cloud in the distance. Rain is coming soon. May I continue to bow down to You in full surrender. Enable me, Holy Spirit.

May You be my stronghold and refuge forever. For I have seen and I had despaired of even life as I saw and experienced total helplessness.

And now, I see Your deliverance at hand. May I continue to wait upon You, to know Your might and know that You will accomplish for me things beyond what I ask or imagine, all for Your glory! Oh, may Your salvation come to the Body of Christ and those who You have called!

May I continue to become nothing and less than nothing! Break my heart. Break my spirit. Let me die daily so that I may live in You and You in me. May nothing in this earth ever move me except You. May nothing in heaven ever delight me except You. Nothing but You will satisfy.

Only You have done this, renewing my heart and my mind, changing how I live, even in these past few weeks. How can I consider all the things that have happened and think I have done them? Not by might nor power but by Your Spirit. All my changes can only be ascribed to You.

25Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.

26My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever. (Psalm 73:25-26)

Yes, You have I been enabled to desire, and to You do I belong now forever more. Praise You, my dear Abba, daddy. Lovely is Your marvelous light!

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