Digging Up the Past

Been reading my old journal entries. Feels like I am stalking my old self actually. Some of the things I wrote feels quite embarrassing for me to read…
But some of the things I wrote are simply too amazing for me to read because it does not feel like I am the one who wrote them at that time. Wow, I knew about that back then? How forgetful I am! Wow, I knew that free will was limited in 2009? *SHOCK*

 

August 11, 2007

I remember the times when I took a nap in the school library. It was during my free period. I would sit between the ventilator and a tall bookshelf, attempting to nurse my tired eyes back to health.

”’

Things haven’t been smooth and life is rough as always. I have to wonder at the lives of certain people. Sometimes I would envy them. Maybe the reason is that I have been given so much, both good and bad.

One phrase stuck to me. My grandma occasionally said it: “Loved by many, who will you love?”

I hardly have any answers currently for that question. My guilt of the sins I committed haven’t completely left me. The attitude I give to my family members leaves me with despair, the selfish and prideful thoughts leave me in agony and regret.

One thing keeps me afloat. The grace of God saves. I can never save myself through works. Only God can change me now. I cannot love. Only God can love the people around me. Only He can truly love them.

The post below unexpectedly predicted my life at Cornell… everything in the worst-case scenario happened except one, that is, I still like ILR. Most of the things I was looking forward to actually happened too. The student government thing was just idiotic though.

 

Thursday, February 12, 2009
Even though I am not emotionally excited at the prospect of going to Cornell yet, can I say that I am mentally excited? I realize that my replies to people’s inquiries about my transfer aren’t enthusiastic and maybe a bit apathetic.The reason is probably because the date I transfer feels so far away.

Since I have never been to Ithaca, I always have this idealistic image of it that my mind obviously discounts as idiotic and something only a hopeless romantic would think of. But, setting aside the bright glowy images running through my head, my ideals aren’t too impossible.

A room with windows. The chance to study what I like. Not deal with family problems. Have greater control and flexibility over my schedule. Rising up in the student government (>.>).

Of course, having gone through many experiences where things never go right, there is also the worst-case scenario.

Sharing a room with a terrible roommate. Finding that I actually don’t like Industrial & Labor Relations (I hope not). Always cloudy weather, meaning having the windows will be practically useless. Lack of self-control over schedule and ending up procrastinating and wasting time. Failing to even get into the student government (What?!).
Falling in love (This one had proved to be a headache to my intellectual endeavors at one time, hahaha).

Among other things….

Oh, I totally forgot. One thing I am sure of is that until I actually see this trust between me and God broken undeniably, it will only get stronger and obviously be challenged and attacked.

So there will probably be struggles and painful things coming up along the way as well. After all, this isn’t a narrow path for nothing.

Monday, October 12, 2009
Writing away my life. Wishing and idealizing that which is so bare and dry. Hoping yet doing nothing. I am full of contradictions. Only You can set me straight and lead me. The world offers me sweet dreams to escape my pains. You offer me eternal life and healing.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
We humans have a tendency to think that we are in control of our lives. Even though I always answer to specific questions about my future plans as “I don’t know” or “we’ll see,” I have a tendency to think a certain outcome is certain. This is natural to humans.  However, it is not true. There are so many factors going into our lives. Our health, our family, the people around us change along with us. We cannot control the world nor can we control anything beyond our own will. If we think deeply enough, our free will is quite limited indeed. It is limited by our body’s stamina and health and by our knowledge of the world.Yet, thoughts such as “I will graduate from this place and do this work or take care of my family or have a family or travel or do this or that…” runs rampant. These dreamy, idealistic, rather naive thoughts often go through my mind. Even though I always plan these things ahead of time, deep inside, I know that these plans are ultimately not in my control. Things can change and some things change very slowly while others change very fast. Sometimes, my own planning narrows my perspective and prevents me from seeing what God sees. Especially when my plan goes wrong. Then, maybe I will plead with God or be deeply disappointed. Why is it that I am not thankful to Him? Looking back, I am only thankful long after those things have happened. Only after having seen them in perspective did my bitterness pass. How excruciating slow my response is! Yet, God is ever so patient.

When my plans do come to fruition, I often forget to be thankful until a little later.

The fact that I can’t control my life does not mean that my life is in chaos. I often forget this, that God is in control. He has shown it to me so many times yet I always tend to forget when times are easy.

Is it a surprise that we need trials and tribulations? I always ask for it, often reluctantly because I know that inside my heart, I fail to trust Him and love Him, that I am adulterous and sinful and unable to accept His grace until I suffer deeply and am forced to look at my true condition.

I am very thankful to know that, ultimately, beyond the natural laws that He has created to guide this universe, He is ultimately in control and more than able to look after even the smallest and weakest of beings.

Thursday, February 11, 2010
I’m taking a writing class that has a mix of creative non-fiction and academic papers on films. So guess what? I started writing again on my past.It’s really creepy to think back to those times. I struggle to make sense in words what I felt back then and how I feel about it now.

Anyways, maybe I’ll share some of those writings in the future here. ^_^

Other than that, God is teaching me once again to lean on Him emotionally. These days, my closest friends are so far away and my college friends don’t understand me too well. I did meet a few Christians this semester who are taking some of the same classes as me. Hopefully we can be tight, haha.

I feel sorrow and joy at the same time. It’s amazing sort of. There’s this sad discomfort from my gut and then there’s this happiness springing from my heart. The mixture of emotions is strange. One part of me wants affection from the world, the other is taking joy in the Lord for His grace and showering of love.

My God is amazing and I need to remind myself that my confidence lies in Him. So thankful because I would probably be in depression right now if I didn’t know that confidence in the self is unstable but is a source of strength when it is in Him

Thursday, February 25, 2010
There is joy after sorrow. Morning comes after night.There is no greater satisfaction than being secure in your identity and knowing that the future is already blessed by Him no matter the trials and twists that the world may throw at you.

There is no greater joy than taking that leap of faith and seeing yourself always making it across the dark chasm after the rather long time spent in mid-air.

I am slowly realizing what Godly strength and human weakness really means and how it can be consistently applied.

Saturday, September 11, 2010
Been so busy with readings and table tennis. Not sure what to post these days. The future is so uncertain and the present is so busy. I am savoring each day, enjoying what I have and pressing on, hoping to keep my sights on Him in all that I do. Ultimately, I come up short if the things I do were for my parents, my friends, or for myself. Fulfillment at the end of the day comes from Him and from depending on Him and walking with Him. To acknowledge His significance in my life allows Him to do greater things than these in the future.

The post below was a response to conviction and revelation by Him of how ugly my heart was even though I understood in-depth some of the things of God. I had knowledge but my heart was far away from Him and it could not draw nearer without His mighty hand. Oh, how He has answered since then! Praise God!

Sunday, February 27, 2011
Oh Lord, the emptiness of my heart. I feel it so after such a long while. I want to cry for the time that I have wasted. Your servant is worthless, lacking in patience and self-control, always chasing after the wind, after the things that are out of reach. Give me back my strength and let me stand with You once more. Walk upon this road of righteousness and holiness. I have strayed too far. By Your grace, let my selfish thoughts be nailed to the cross. Let my emotions not control me. Crush these idols oh Lord…
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