Life Update – This Semester

9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.  (2 Corinthians 12:9-11)

God is amazing. Can I emphasize enough how great He is and how Holy He is? This semester has been defined by my failings and weaknesses and His great strength and provision.

He has shown me more in regards to the depth of my depravity, even to a point that my spirit faltered and felt utterly crushed. All that was within me despaired at my wickedness. Can I explain what this experience was like?

Even with the little light He has shown me of my condition, my spirit could not bear with the revealed wickedness in my soul. I utterly hated myself and I could not stand near His Holiness. Who am I to have the Holy Spirit dwell within me? I am undone!

Can I explain how amazing His grace is, especially after this experience? How much I yearn to walk blamelessly before Him and to please Him! If He would condemn me to hell, can I say anything in my defense? I utterly deserve it and I find myself stricken and weeping in tears that night when I came before Him…

Nevertheless, His Spirit refreshed me after and showed me His love. Alas, how sweet the drink of His love is, a joy to my soul. An undeserving gift for me.

And then, He showed me, all things that I had and soon to gain, are gifts from Him. Undeserving grace. Amazing grace. All that I stand upon is His grace. Why shall I grumble any longer if He decides to strip me bare of all the gifts He has given me? No, just don’t take Yourself away from me…

Nowadays, I am still as lost as I was at the beginning of the semester. I do not know where I am headed. I have been doing whatever He has given me strength to do. These days, I am utterly weak physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

Even so, when I come before others, He strengthens me to do what little I could do for His kingdom and even when He doesn’t, He edifies me in my weakness. When I must do something He desires, He strengthens me for the work though I feel utterly weak and helpless.

When I come home alone, great weakness seizes me constantly. Indeed, I cannot but cry, how utterly dependent I am upon Him and His strength! Can I last a moment without Him anymore?

I say this with joy yet also with sorrow for death is at work in my flesh yet His life is also at work within. Can any other experience be greater than this?

I do not mean to discourage anyone from following Him because of this. By no means! There is tremendous gain here, eternal gain. To know Him is to realize we are weak! How can we be strong when we stand before such a Holy God? And how can we hold on to our old worldly desires when we serve the kingdom of God? Glorious is His Kingdom, may all majesty belong to Him who is Holy!

Here are some concrete things He has graciously granted me:

1. A winter internship – even when I stumbled through the phone interview. Can anything good come out of me? My weaknesses are ever before me and His strength ever sustains me. How thankful I am that He is the one who guides me on this path and not myself! If I walked alone, I would quickly have fallen off the edge into untimely ruin!

2. Respite and clarity of His Will in regards to certain matters – His Will and not mine, how gracious He has been to me, to guide my heart to obey Him even when I find myself in great distress!

3. Confidence and joy in Him, especially when He is pleased with even the smallest matters that I do for Him.

4. Gracious brothers and sisters – I have burdened a few; how gracious they have been to me. If He gives me opportunity to serve them, will I not do it most joyfully? May I love them dearly in Christ and edify them with what He has given me!

5. A heart to share with my unbelieving friends and acquaintances – How He has shaped and changed my desire to love and pray for those I know!

6. Many many opportunities to share His goodness with the people around me – How awesome this has been!

7. Food and living quarters – I cannot emphasize how He has provided for my most basic needs, just enough to sustain me. How glad I am that I am not rich enough to be lost in the world yet not poor enough to be forced to steal! Yet, even if I shall go into poverty, He shall provide for the needs of His servant.

8. Timing my schoolwork so that I finish them on time even when He presses many other matters into my hands, more than I could hope to bear. How He even looks out for this small matter!

9. Time for Him – May they be sweeter, sweeter still, evermore.

There are so many countless things He has done. These are just some that came to mind. Alas, I cannot help but praise Him! My struggles and my pain are nothing to me now when I consider how loving and kind He has been to me. How He works eternity into my heart and how my love awakens for Him!

Oh my soul, remember and rejoice in the Lord always! Give thanks to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can do or imagine!

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